If ONLY you could have a moment read and to watch our stories
If only the millions resharing the Coronation Street news, could share our videos of our true life stories of loss, and we admire Kym Marsh & Simon so much for reliving her nightmare.
You never go into a pregnancy and expect to lose your baby Especially after 12 weeks.
After 12 weeks you celebrate that milestone, but the reality is that many like me have carried home their baby's in memory boxes.
Imagine giving birth and being told you just had a spontaneous abortion when you never did at all!! That it was God's...
You are given NO birth certificate or death certificate and no support whats so ever! You GET a voice mail from the doctor who failed to send your urine sample away to check what water infection you had, which caused you to pprom in the first place! Had he done this right, your baby should have been here, you should never have become an angel mother & father....
We live in the 21st century and we still calling late baby losses, late miscarriages!
What kind of World do we live in when everyone knows our mums are giving birth to babies and no one knows the pain unless they been in your shoes.
You give birth to the most precious gift ever, but you never hear your baby cry, you can hear the next mum and dad's baby next door, wow it has some lungs!!! BUT there is a dead silence in your room, and you are literally petrified because you know all along something was not right but because of what stage you are at no one listens, they leave you to deal with it ALONE and they do not explain what to expect, NOT once, YOU then that bloody petrified of holding your baby straight away because the midwife did not pass your baby to you, you simply never forgive yourself and you lost that moment...
then WOW you discover you have to deliver YOUR placenta!! God why did we not know this, why the hell can we not talk to mums about birth before 28 weeks when so many are having premature births.....
although in some cases our mums and dads have to listen to their babies until there is silence because of the gestation being shy of 24weeks, can you just image how that feels?
You then sit years later wondering how they be if they were alive today, comparing family loved ones, saying to yourself if only I was not the 1 in 4.
It is even harder when you know full well you should have never pprom in the first instance, YET no one wants to improve this side of things, which makes me so angry, because if we do not learn from these mistakes, if we do NOT do something about it, then more will follow in our footsteps, who really did NOT need too.
When you waters break early in pregnancy it does not mean the end of your pregnancy and because of my passion for keeping my promise to my daughter Sinead and my hard work and time and my fellow PPROM families work, time and support we are starting to see a big difference to others lives, and our families are bringing home their babies
Any time soon we will be getting our Charity number, we know we have a lot of work to do, but if my heartache can save just one more babies life then that is the most amazing gift ever
Miss my precious Sinead so much, my daughter grew inside me, kicked inside me, she was my everything....Feel free to comment on Sinead photo in my profile photo file, she is beautiful, she is not scary or horrible to look at, she was every inch of me and looks so like Siobhan in ways.
One day we will gain the general public support and you WILL sign our petitions
You do not go into a pregnancy to lose your baby when you see those two blue lines you just want to be excited, and you just hope that you bring home a healthy baby...
As most who know me, I went for an update on why I lost my recent baby
Yet another silent miscarriage, it is your worst nightmare, that scan that shows no heartbeat, no viable baby heartbeat, you want the earth to swallow you up, you want someone to pinch you, but the realistic terms is, your baby is gone....your hope, your dreams of that perfect baby snatched before you
So my tests today came back showing that I should have been having a boy:( who should have been born near Declan's anniversary, in fact my due date was 3 days apart from the 6th June 1995, so I really thought I was not going to miscarry, obviously I have....
(Declan is my little brother who committed suicide many years ago)
The tests showed basically it was never going to ever turn into a healthy baby, what hits me the most, is that there is nothing in the future which can prevent this, it is entirely a 50/50 gamble if I will ever be able to bring home a baby sister or brother for our Siobhan, who prayers almost every night with me, this is her prayer which she says with me,
Dear God,
Please can I have a baby sister or brother
Amen.
I can't bring myself to tell my little one, that mummy may never have a sister or brother, what can you tell your 5 year old. The reason we do this prayer is because she has constantly asked me for a baby brother or sister for the last couple of years, and I really thought this time I was NOT going to miscarry :( who I am to dash her hope of being a big sister.
We are allowed hope right?
I just wished people would invest in this area, the baby loss area! because there is not enough research going on in this field, people fail to donate towards research for baby loss yet, over 250,000 pregnant mums will lose a baby here in the UK alone, never mind in the World, and it is NOT just the mums, who will suffer,
therefore there is 500,000 affected by miscarriage if we include the dad's in which we should!
therefore there is 1000,00 affected by miscarriage if we include the grandparents...
Saying the following really is nice to know you care, but it really does not help,
- You are 1 in 4
- It is God's will
- It was not meant to be
- It maybe fate telling you something
- It is your age
- I understand I been there (although it makes me feel I am not alone its just so very hard)
- there was something wrong with the baby so its prob best
These words are not going to take away my pain, it does not give me back my hopes or my dreams, it does not give me back my baby. It does not fix my broken heart, I so know people are justing trying to be kind and it is so hard to say the right words...
so now yet a other part of me, my baby is now somewhere in Macclesfield cemetery in which I feel a great sense of guilt for not burying it with my other babies, but they make it so blinking hard to do this, you think it could be so simple to bury a very small baby, because I know if I could have a few ashes it would have helped me. But it is too late for this,
All I can say is that to sum up how I am feeling, is heartbroken and empty and the only reason I am being strong is because I have a beautiful daughter, a partner so far has stood by me, and the PPROM community for listening to me, and some close friends and I have ongoing counselling! although I would really benefit from EDMR therapy, apparently I not gone through enough trauma....costs too much for my hospital who failed my care with my first born baby Sinead, or GP to refer me, so life is a struggle, every day I have to get up and fight my flashbacks... (as soon as you leave the hospital with your empty box of heartbreak, the hospital wipes their hands of you, and in today's World no one likes to admit fault, which is why more babies have passed after our Sinead, how can you fix something if you do not admit fault, you simply cannot)
p.s. I hate the word miscarriage!!!
please if you can sign our petitions and get everyone to like Little Heartbeats - Making Pprom Awareness because it is the only thing that keeps me alive apart from of course my beautiful daughter Siobhan and my partner....
Because I know the work I do for Little Heartbeats has helped our families bring home their babies, which is why I work so hard in trying to make a small difference.
Thank you to all who support the work I do for LHB...
watch our video of our angels, and guess if you can see which babies are under 24 weeks https://flipagram.com/f/bZpktT9ohu big thank you to all the families who shared their precious moments with their precious babies too beautiful for Earth.
Please make sure you sign, I really should not have to ask, Thank You
Wedding nightmare after physically recovering from my miscarriage,
So after you been through this nightmare, you want to look to the future, take your mind off things, so I thought, let's do something amazing, let's do something positive, and there I am, pushing myself to finally sort my wedding out, I had to keep putting it back because of health reasons including my losses....
because just before Christmas after physically recovering from my miscarriage found out the Wedding dress and veil I bought and paid in full, and fully trusted the lovely shop owner, informed she had it, but then in a moment sent me a email to tell me she has given it away apparently, which I did not consent to and I did not need this hassle, I so did not deserve this
Apparently, in the owner's eyes, it is okay for her to do this....!!! really do people not have morals? The one important dress, the one, taken in a heartbeat...not as heartbreaking as losing my babies, but you know when you need one thing for you and your family, that something positive to look forward...just taken away.
Some people really do have no idea, how can you ruin someone's hopes and dreams, and someone's wedding before it has even begun to start!!! How do you manage to give away someone else wedding dress and veil? and apparently the owner could not find me, but after ending our call manage to block me of Facebook, and email me in a heartbeat, funny really how easy I am to find, after all, the fundraising I have done to try to make others not walk in my shoes, yet I find myself in this vulnerable place....
God why was my life made to be a challenge
Nothing like an old fool, in this moment in time I am feeling so upset and mad over the whole thing, 2017 is meant to be my year, so far it has not really gone to how I wanted it to be, I wanted it to be positive, I wanted for once things to go my way, why is this so hard?
so if you reading this blog take the time to vote for my entry to win my wedding, I know I have no chance, but if you have read this, like my comment on this page https://www.facebook.com/andsotowed/?fref=ts
Also if you can, help me finally gain my charity status for Little Heartbeats, I live in hope if you cannot support me, support our families dealing with a pprom pregnancy, giving page is here https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness
BUT if you do not donate, we can't invest in preventing pprom or ways to prevent babyloss!!
250,000 is far too many babies to lose in one of the most wealthy countries with one of the best health care system in the Worlds, why are we failing to change this? why I am told nothing can be done to change my outcomes? more needs to be done, and you can help!!!
After reading that the amazing Kym Marsh is to relive her nightmare in Coronation Street, which is amazing awareness but I wish Coronation street, could do the honours and state late baby loss rather than calling it late miscarriage, it is traumatic enough and such a taboo subject, but its about time the wording of this was change, our mums gave birth to babies, other countries give out birth certificates, yet the UK who are the World leaders in health care are failing our mums and dads, not only does your baby get classed as a miscarriage, you don't get any support at all. No certificate and because everyone thinks you had a miscarriage and not a baby, life becomes very lonely.
This needs to change
Unless you sign, then our voices will not be heard
silence does nothing, your signatures are our future families voices
do it in memory of our babies who have passed
thank you for your support
note our video, is of sleeping babies, we created this video to show case our babies are babies and are various gestations up to 28weeks https://flipagram.com/f/bZpktT9ohu
Day 2 after losing my third baby, this time to a silent miscarriage.
While thousands will be searching for that Black Friday special deal today on an item.
I am at home recovering from my 3rd baby loss, after discovering I was having yet another silent miscarriage, where for weeks on end I was excited we were going to have our 2nd baby and feeling positive this time it was going to be okay but to go along to the scan to discover my baby simply was not growing and never had a heartbeat, has totally shattered me for a third time.
It really does hurt deeply.
Now knowing that I have been carrying a baby around for weeks that was never going to make it will always haunt me.
In regards to recovery this time round, I feel a lot weaker and after having to go to the pharmacist to gain help to seek a doctor's appointment because the two receptionist decided medically and mentally that I did not deserve to have a telephone appointment after undergoing surgery to remove my very much baby.
The reason I chose surgery is because I still have flashbacks to my stillbirth baby girl Sinead who was born at a later gestation and was very much my precious first born baby.
Knowing that natural birth to miscarry is not an option, I have to take risks to have this surgery, which after gaining a second opinion to reassure me that my baby had indeed died, and having a scan on the same day as surgery to confirm this because mentally you need to be sure. This is by far the hardest thing women will ever have to endure, knowing you going for that scan, and in the bottom of your heart you seek that miracle but you know that you going to see your baby without a heartbeat is really hard
So yesterday I was very sore and tender and suffering from the shivers and having no bowls movement was the last shaw, and so very upset that I had to go to the pharmacist to gain medically care, the receptionist informed me I had to ring the ward I had been discharged from and even went on to say that they could arrange transport to send me back to the hospital which is 45mins away, but when I rang the ward, they sent me back to the GP! I am still angry that my local area has no support for women like me and I am sure that if I been Duchess Kate that simply I would have been seen.
Therefore my hero of yesterday is my local chemist who helped me gain a doctors appointment that I really needed for not only my physically state but my mental state as the night before could not sleep for the fear of worry that my body was not recovering to great, and the hardest part is that my body is still feeling very much pregnant yet I no longer have that baby inside me.
After seeing the doctor I received the medication I needed to help my recovery physically, as for mentally there is still no referral for EDMR therapy and this is all down to funding, I like to know if the same would apply to the Duchess of Cambridge Kate
I not sure why we have to fight to be looked after when losing a baby, which is why I wanted to find out the tests available before I was discharged as simply you are wiped off the system having to pick up the pieces.
Having battled to seek change from my first loss, I know it be pointless to complain because no one wants to admit fault, no one sees the importance of improving care or looking after women like me who loses their baby, even the local midwives could not help.
It is like sorry you no longer have a baby, if you get any worse go to out of hours, now us women know our own bodies, if I say something is not right, it's simply not right, so why should I have to struggle, why should I have to travel 45 mins after recovering from a general anaesthetic? In which I was throwing up in the middle of the night, I really do not feel that I had to disclose personal details to both the receptionsist's who quite frankly were not listening to help but listening to reply to say we do not want to help and pass the buck onto someone else to deal with me.
(If I can help many families so can you, it really does not take much to help someone in need of help, its far easier to say no, than do something about it)
But really what happened to emergency care on our doorstep, and we talk about saving costs in sending patients back to the ward they came from, which was pointless because they sent me back to my GP, who then told me to go to A & E, yet that was the only thing on offer, seriously this is not financiallygood and what about the best care for me, is it really acceptable to have no support during this time, physically or mentally?
It really is no baby, no support, deal with it!!!
Back to me, I am praying that in the next few days the painkillers kick in, and the tenderness settles down the cold and hot shivers calm down, I am so glad I ask the chemist to help me see the doctor even though I had to break down in tears to seek this.
Please while I recover help us keep Little Heartbeats going, like the posts on our page here, https://www.facebook.com/PpromAwarenessUK and share your stories of PPROM in pregnancy, because right now, another mum has PPROM, and unlike me, these pregnant mothers unborn baby have heartbeats, and where we have heartbeats we have hope. Every baby should be given the chance to live, and while they do have heartbeats we will do our best to support them through their pregnancy and regardless of what happens we know the support afterwards is vital....
Please in memory of my babies that are too beautiful for earth please donate to either
Little Heartbeats supporting pregnant mothers through pprom and to invest in our PPROM information packs or to the stem cell patch project.
So far after telling people I am going through this, only one person has donated to Little Heartbeats which I am truly thankful for, and I am appealing for all my friends and family to spare me one thought, and think how long I have been trying to make a difference and spare a few quid, it is so very heartbreaking I struggle so much with this, both with having another baby and fundraising, and every day I see families desperate to keep their very much wanted babies, and I for one think they are worth saving.
You can't save my babies, my baby heartbeat stopped beating and yet again I have to bury yet another baby....
but you can help save the life of someone else's baby....
Because to go through baby loss is simply heartbreaking and rubbish and someone has to do something about it. I like to be one of them to do something about it, can you help me succeed?
****************************************
Therefore here are giving links to make donations,
For the stem cell patch to look at invention for PPROM, which we desperately would love this to happen, I cannot wait for the scientists, doctors to come up with this stem cell to be able to reseal the membranes, this would make the fight for answers for Sinead worth every bit of hard work, therefore I plea for my daughter Sinead, my first born baby who was too beautiful for earth, for you to donate, for all of Sinead's angel friends who died because we could not find a cure, this is the closet invention we can find and unless we invest in this PPROM research, well more and more women like me will lose their babies, which should NOT be happening when we have a solution which can be possible if we invest in this!!!
This is me here in this video below, I am very scared of heights but I jumped because I totally believe in research, and PPROM support and our PPROM pack and I totally do NOT think it's just one of these things!!
The only time when there is no reason is because we have not taken the time to invest in research, and we missed the right time to investigate.
One day in the future baby loss will be taken more seriously like cancer research is, because both of these are serious medical conditions which are life threatening and why should we dismiss baby loss just because some think it is easy to have another child, if it was that easy, why have I lost 3 babies?
I may never have a sibling for my daughter which breaks my heart, but I will try once more, and I will keep raising PPROM awareness and I will gain our charity status for Little Heartbeats
Charity number xxxxxxx will be here one day very soon!!!
Also lets also hope that the doctors will also finally give me EDMR therapy to help me to live with the loss of Sinead too, and that in the future it does not take 6 years to confirm that I had PPROM, and in future women will be screened and treated for PTSD as matter of course.
One day I pray that the hospital will do what they promised and share my story of PPROM and that they have our posters up as some other hospitals in the World have it, it is about time that us women were listened to, and taken more seriously, aftercare is vital, why should I have to struggle with this, I work so hard to change things.
I truely hope in the end my hard work pays off.
My pprom loss video story is here, one day I will share my story in full
Today I had to let go because your heartbeat did not beat My heartbeat cried for you
Even though I never got to meet you, I loved you from the moment
I knew you were inside my womb.
I will never hold you, only in my heart.
Fly high with your angel siblings in the sky.
Mummy will be forever heartbroken the day we never heard your Heartbeat
Mummy is so VERY sorry I could not carry you.
My body simply let me down.
I will miss holding you in my womb
I will miss you kicking me.
I will miss never meeting you.
I will miss you growing up.
Sadly God took a piece of my heart the day you went to heaven.
Sweet dreams Angel Speakman
After my treatment today I spoke with the doctor who looked after me all who that knows me, I always talk about PPROM in pregnancy even in my darkest hour.
One thing that came out of this is that the AmniSure test is not available in my hospital and I suspect many other hospitals are similar and I would like to be able to donate some tests to my hospital I attended today and to ensure every hospital has these tests, which is from my knowledge and understanding is one of the most accurate tests for confirming PPROM.
My baby loss today was not down to PPROM, but I lost my first born Sinead to PPROM.
So in memory of Sinead, and
In memory of our baby we lost today, (my third baby loss)
It would mean the World to me for anyone who is able to donate to either;-
1. Little Heartbeats raising PPROM awareness and supporting pregnant mothers through this pregnancy condition and supporting dads and families through this life changing condition,
Also while I am taking time out for a few days to recover physically from this great loss, please like, share, and post your stories of PPROM in pregnancy, anyone who we sent a PPROM information pack if you can kindly share your photos and let the general public know how important this information pack was to you. If you can email me at little.heartbeats@mail.com
My PPROM video story & our amazing mother Rachel who took the courage to talk on video of her loss of Zachary,
Our PPROM video is shown here and I hope it explains why even through this heartache why it means so much to raise PPROM awareness.
It makes my losses go without vain, knowing we can help one family through going PPROM to knowing that it is possible to bring home a baby.
Regardless of our PPROM mums and dads outcome, we want to let them know they are not ALONE.
Davina for being brave for coming forward for sharing her story of PPROM of her miracle baby Faris, although to some little Faris is a miracle but really it is not a miracle it was simply being knowledgeable about PPROM guidelines, and knowing all you can about risks and knowing the right time for baby to be born, and also for doctors and midwives who start to listen finally, and for the amazing neonatal doctors and nurses who out of the whole medical World have a better understanding of PPROM, this is our feedback taken from our pregnant mothers and fathers, and finally it was empowering Davinia to be the voice for her baby.
Both of the videos above proves why our work is so vital and we want more mothers, fathers and grandparents to come forward to do a video diary of PPROM
I will always be so grateful for Davinia & Rachel and all who submit their story of PPROM.
I would also like to say heartfelt thanks to everyone looking after Little Heartbeats and who have helped out with my special little girl Siobhan while I deal with this heartache of losing my third baby, you all know who you are, from the bottom of my heart
Thank You So Much
(feel free to share and comment on my blog, feel free to share your story too)
You may not have met my baby, but unless we do something about this nothing will change.
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not....
Sorry I have not been around, sadly on the 11th November 2016 I had heartbreaking news that my 4th pregnancy was not going to plan, I should be 12 weeks today, and my baby has no heartbeat and is measuring 6 weeks.
It has kind of hit me harder than I like to admit, as this is now my third pregnancy loss and 2nd one in a row, I really thought I would have been given a nice break and I be able to get over 12weeks.
Sadly it is simply not happening. 💔
I like to say a Big thank you to all who sent these beautiful flowers to me, they are so beautiful after a heartbreaking news and lots of tears it was so nice to come home too. 😃
For all mums going through PPROM, please remember while
We have Heartbeats, there is hope
Our Little Heartbeats team are here to support you every part of the way, I had to take some time out to find out about testing and be sure this pregnancy was ending.
Sadly this third scan is showing the baby disappearing which is similar to my missed miscarriage back in September 2015, although my body is still telling me I am pregnant
Tomorrow I be going into hospital, and after Thursday I be free to send more PPROM packs out to any new members dealing with a PPROM pregnancy, we do have our team members in USA and Australia sending packs out, so please contact our open LHB page by private message and confirm when you pprom, and how much fluids you have if this is know.
Also if you have a story of hope, either a pprom success story or a rainbow pregnancy please can you share these with both our closed group and our open page or if you like to share your story with the press please contact us.
If you feel we have helped you and like to write our LHB team a reference please do email our team at little.heartbeats@mail.com
I really would love feedback to all who have received one of our packs, and love to know if any one be willing to to share photos of their heartbeat animals.
Thank you to all members who keep this LHB group going.
For every pprom family dealing with either
1. pprom in pregnancy,
2. neonatal
3. baby loss
4. or new pregnancy after their pprom pregnancy
Do know that our LHB team are here for you and you do not need to deal with this alone. It is a tough journey regardless of our outcomes.
You are not alone, so don't be.
please give me a week to recover from this loss, although I will still send out packs, I just need some time to heal a little.
Because I so wanted this baby. 😢
Note, if any one can like, share Little heartbeats latest posts on our open page it really does mean a lot to me and our team and helps raises PPROM awareness it really can save babies lives and helps families regardless of their outcomes
Thank you to all who are supporting me through this heartbreaking time and looking after our LHB PPROM families
I also like to thank all my friends and my sister for helping me look after Siobhan so she does not know mummy is going through this heartbreaking time (I told Siobhan I have a sore tummy)
The last 10 days I have researched what tests could be available to me, this is now my 3rd loss, and I never know something so simple be made so difficult.
Having to have to put across my point today has emotionally top me off for the day, the failing to allow me to read my own medical notes really also got to me, seriously these are my medical notes, what is so top secret in my notes, who makes these rules up? Are we living in the dark ages, it certainly sounds to me that we are living in the 18th century! I can read, I am educated and if I see something I do not understand I will ask, but let me digest what is happening to me....
Seriously my medical notes are there where you left them, they are all about me, it took me 3 times to ask for copies of my scan from last year where I lost my 2nd baby if you had just let me just look in my notes I would have saved you the time....
Is it because are you ashamed of what you have written about me?
or
Did you note that I was in flood tears, did you say I sounded confused? of course, I am, I have just lost yet another baby....
What are women to do when they just been told they are losing yet another baby, who desperately wanted this baby?
Having to deal with baby loss number 3, is taken a piece of my heart, and knowing that more tests could have been done the Year before is so very upsetting, maybe just maybe I should have taken the progesterone shots, but when you get in one line, they don't really prevent baby loss, then it is hard to take in.
Is it really too much to ask for to have tests on your baby that could not grow anymore, that you never going to meet.
I just want answers, so if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, to find something that will prevent it happening again....
Yet I told when I go in for surgery, yes I am having another scan just to make sure the baby has gone, but to then be told to remind the surgeon to send my baby off for testing is taking the biscuit.
Not allowing me to read my own medical notes is barbaric.
I am a woman, not a child, this has change surely?
