The Empty Womb and The feeling of emptiness

The feeling of emptiness 

It has now been 4 days since the surgical removal of my very much wanted baby whose heartbeat stopped.

Some days if I am honest have been very dark, and I was not expecting days afterwards, the stomach cramps and my bowls taking a turn for the worse.

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There is NO more of the following:- 

No more feeling excited 

No more looking forward to the next scan 

No more looking forward to our baby kicking

No more looking forward to meeting our baby next year

All I have is a empty womb and a big part of me is missing 

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The only positive I can say, is it feels so much better knowing that I am no longer carrying a baby around with that has 

no heartbeat 

no longer growing 

Knowing I was carrying a baby around that was no longer with us, was somewhat torture as there was absolutely nothing that could be done to save our baby. 

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I am not really one for really expressing, deep down how I feel

I spend my days trying to make a difference for our mums who have PPROM and being that strong person 

BUT 

I am only human, and it does not help that I am still battling to gain answers from my first baby loss Sinead, in which something could of been done to save her. 

I had a lot of tears for the lost of this little one and even though it was completely different situations

The pain of hearing 

"Sorry your baby has No Heartbeat" 

will live with me for the rest of my life. 

The hardest bit of this journey was trying to explain to my four year that she is no longer going to be a big sister 

That was the hardest bit 

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I'm the one in 4 who is The Face of Babyloss

To help us raise funds we did design these tops, available to buy from Tboom here --->>>

https://www.tboom.co.uk/breakthetaboobabyloss

Looks like we be wearing this one for a while 


which breaks my heart as 

we were suppose to be buying this one 

which we were so looking forward to wearing, sadly we won't be able to just quite yet :( 

but here for anyone else who is blessed, so our team's design is not wasted https://www.tboom.co.uk/shh-we-are-having-a-baby

Any one who wants to support our work on PPROM awareness, please follow our teams page here, https://www.facebook.com/PpromAwarenessUK

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*** Anyone wanting to donate, you can do here ***

1. UCLH Stem patch project, patch to reseal the membranes - donation pages are here, https://www.justgiving.com/teams/Ppromresearch

2. Little Heartbeats Raising Awareness On PPROM | Nonprofits - YouCaring https://www.youcaring.com/nonprofits/little-heartbeats-raising-awareness-on-pprom-/337480

however since losing this baby, sadly not many have donated and we have also since found out the show we created, that took us years to have such a successful one, which took us months to create, and put together, was taken away from us too....

this would of helped us raise the funds to become a charity! 

and still 9 months later, no booklets returned! in fact the person who decided this show was not created by us, and decided to call it their own, wanted to dump these very booklets on my doorstep on the day I was having my very much wanted baby removed from my womb! 

I am still waiting for these to be returned, and still waiting for this person to look me in the eyes when returning these, and tell me I had nothing to do with this awesome show, that was suppose to raise us the funds to become a charity to save little babies lives.....

Lets hope, they take the time to think, and have the respect to drop these of in hand.....

maybe one day, they thank me for the work we have done to save others dealing with what we are dealing with right now, despite us dealing with our owen personal matters,  

BUT at this moment in time

" It just makes me, feel like one BIG Failure! "

So nothing like failing to keep our baby and nothing like failing to raise the funds needed to take our awareness that step further. 

Heartbroken does not even cover how we are really feeling deep down. 

All we can say that when we recovered from this, some how 
we will come back,

 hopefully one day I be work stress free, (I do have a proper job but currently off with stress & PTSD) and the NHS will finally agree to a out of court settlement in order for us to make a massive difference to PPROM mums and dads, and save even more babies lives....

Also have the confidence to create a far better show, and give the best show ever, and this time make sure that no one ever takes away, what our team did, so that we can ensure we raise the funds that is needed to save babies lives as every one deserves to be blessed 

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These are the babies that keep us doing what we are doing, regardless of our other failings, we will some how find a way to succeed

Please take the time to watch these films 

For all our miracle babies 
(How long will I love you - Ellie Goulding)
All babies in this survive, are alive to to tell the tale of PPROM and all of our mums PPROM before 24 weeks (viability) 

For all our angel babies 
Film remembering our precious babies
 #saytheirnames
Thank you to our parents who have shared their most precious photos of their angels. 

https://flipagram.com/f/bZpktT9ohu



It would also mean the world to our family if you could support our latest thunderclap for our PPROM  team it costs nothing to follow 

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/30730-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy

D-Day

D-Day

(Meaning to us, the day on which an important operation is to begin or a change to take effect)

Today I went in for surgery to deal with my 2nd baby loss.

It's been a extremely emotional day.

I decided to look at my baby, this time baby was not fully formed as it was a very early miscarriage, confirmed at 9 weeks 4days. I'm sure I saw the eyes. I decided not to take a 
photo, but I feel a great sense of gratitude for the staff for allowing me to look, and in detail too. I felt I owned it to my unborn child who will never experience life.

I do not regret doing this, in fact I'm glad I did. All I got to do now is to find out if my wish to get my baby buried with my first born who we lost a lot further on in our pregnancy prior to this to Pprom, as I don't feel comfortable with having part of me, being cremated and buried in a different town to where my first born is. I'm hoping out of this nightmare this is possible, even though baby was too small & beautiful for earth.

The staff at the hospital were amazing, and my one big wish is that we have more staff like this, and in the future to give the same treatment to our Pprom mums losses regardless of gestation as I received today 14.09.2015.

My second wish is for us to ensure more consistent care is given to our Pprom mums regardless of decisions, choices or should I say wishes. 

I promised my first born Sinead all those years who. that I would make a difference, and I don't care if it takes me a lifetime to raise the 30k for the stem patch project with our team, and also a further 5k so we can become a charity and to produce Pprom leaflets, posters, banners.

I have to say it has been the third worst day of my year for 2015, but I pray that in the future that I'm blessed again soon, and I am also praying that this time next year, I'm sharing a coffee morning with a group of rainbow babies with their brave Pprom mummies.

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I also wanted to say a big thank you to Bryan who allowed us on Thursday this week, to do a presentation in front of student midwives, midwives & consultants. I am so glad I said yes. 

Maybe it was a bit crazy for me to do while dealing with my miscarriage, but I am so passionate about this subject, I want everyone to know about Pprom. 

Also big thank you to Toni for driving and doing this presentation with me, as it was extremely difficult as I knew I was about to miscarry, I also like to thank Toni for sharing her special story In memory of Isabelle. I know this was a big thing for you, and I'm so proud of you for being able to do this. 

Our team will be doing more presentations in the future and also looking at new ways to diagnose Pprom, we will tell you more later this week after I have recovered from this operation, it may take more time to recover from my loss.

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In memory of all our babies gone too soon to Pprom, and for all our mums on bed rest, and for all our PPROM miracle babies fighting for their lives, and not forgetting our amazing PPROM dads & mums.

I so hope, me and the team can make you proud. 

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All I ask is for you to carry on sharing your stories, regardless of your outcomes. 

Each story means a lot to our team. 

All you need to do is post to our PPROM pages.

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Thank you to my amazing partner too, who has been there for me every step of the way


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Lastly a big Thank you for all our supporters for your Support and for helping us raise Pprom awareness and funds for Pprom in pregnancy and beyond.

Together we can make a massive difference.

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Please light a candle this weekend for all our angels gone too soon.

For all that are reading our blog, it would make my rubbish year, into a good one despite this loss, If you can follow our Thunderclap, as if we can save one babies life to PPROM, it will make our teams losses not in vain!  

Also if I can help one other mum, from writing this personal journey about my miscarriage, then it is worth writing. 

To follow the Thunderclap, follow this link here ---->>>>

 https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/30730-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy

Follow by either Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr.

Questions, worries & Decisions, What to do, thinking of my child who is here on earth & the one that isn't

Questions, Worries & Decisions

What to do, thinking of my child who is here on earth & the one that isn't 

1. So do I can take my daughter whose 4 to the hospital tomorrow, they only taking bloods? 

2. Do I get emergency child care for Monday after school, just in case something goes wrong? Or I'm late home? 

3. It says not to drive 24 hours afterwards ? As you still coming round from GA, is this completely strict or we I be ok? 

4.Times like this, wish I had my big sister living closer to home, my partner still hasn't told his dad, which I so wish my partners mum was alive as I know she be here for me. 

I kind of feel it's like some big secret, but reality is I have a child, and reality is need support, which I don't like admitting 

Then I got to make choices about the procedure, and simply then have to make decisions...

5. Do I see the baby or not ? And just get the hospital to cremate ? 

Come across this page, and as a warning they do show photos of babies, so if others see, is it really that bad? 

http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.co.uk

6. What's the best thing to do after you had procedure done to forget what's happened? 

7. How long did you wait before driving ? 

8. How long after procedure can I start running / exercising ? As I got 3 stone to lose, and can't blame the pregnancy any more.

2 MORE SLEEPS.....Nothing worse than carrying a very much wanted baby around in your tummy who is no longer living

So 2 more sleeps before I go for surgery 

Every night since the 1st September 2015, I not at all slept very well. 

Even worse than before 

This cape was done when I ran the Great North Run and for London Marathon 

This time round, we have no name for our baby, we do not know what sex the baby would of been 

All we know, is for one scan only, there was a heartbeat, there was a baby !!! 

Then at our second scan 

'no more heartbeat'

It has been the longest 12 days of 2015 and if I am honest, not at all looking forward to the surgery 

Life is so blooming tough 

This cape has my first born baby name on it, her name was Sinead, who we lost first in April 2010

I never thought I be dealing with a second loss, even though this was a early miscarriage, it still hurts

and now I am worried in case

I never have a chance to give our living rainbow daughter a brother or sister 

I so wish we could raise the funds for the UCLH stem patch project, at the moment, for the last 17 days, not one person has donated to our UCLH Charity page, who are working on a stem patch project to reseal the membranes 

so if you want to make my rubbish year up, then donate and share our page 

Lets not have others follow in our first steps, my first born death could of been avoided, if only I was looked after, this time round, I went round with a water infection for 5 days untreated, but of course it be put down to one of those things. 

As simply we do not invest enough into research of baby loss

https://www.justgiving.com/resealppromUK/

or via virgin just giving, text PROM49 £1 TO 70070 

The petition, everyone reads but SADLY not everyone signs, as they think only PPROM parents should sign, this is not the case, we need the Whole World to sign this 

here https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-treat-pprom-as-it-states-as-emergency-saving-babies-lives

our thunderclap is here to help our pprom parents save babies lives with various TShirt designs 

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/30730-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy

Carrying your baby around, which you know you will never meet or hold or hear them cry

It has been 11 long days since we found out our 3rd baby no longer had a heartbeat, 

these days I feel pregnant still, but I know our baby has gone and I just feel empty

we had to tell my four year little rainbow girl, that baby has now gone to heaven 

I know she was deeply upset as she will no longer will be expecting her brother or sister

Maybe you thinking we should not of told her, but you know when you think

Let's think positive, we going to be bringing a baby home,

This time though, we will not carry a box out, we will not carry a baby out, but just a broken hearted mummy 

Who was desperate to have a brother or sister for her little rainbow baby

Why is life so cruel.....

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If you wish to do anything for us, please follow our thunderclap 

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/30730-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy

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Scan 9th Sep 2015 to prove that miracles don't happen

Hoping for miracles to happen tomorrow but sadly I know miracles don't happen to us, but as long as it happens to others and we can save little lives that's what matters to me....

Hoping that by the end of the year we are blessed along with some special angel mums who have had heartbreaking stories to tell, one day you will find out more about these amazing women..

At the moment it's 2.48am in the morning, and I know I need to sleep, but facing the reality that we going to see a blur baby Imagine with no heartbeat 

But if I don't see it, and I decide on surgery, I will never forgive myself.

Why can't I be one of those mums who never have any pregnancy issues, do these mums exist? 

And if yes, why can't I have a no issue pregnancy 

- first one, treated a faulty towers, we not a 21st hospital, I might as well not bothered going to hospital. Even though hospital confesses to bad communication errors, incorrect ways to yanking out placenta, still no changes at the trusts

- 2nd one, my rainbow daughter heart rate went down, nearly lost her, urine infections in early pregnancy had to fight for water sample to be tested, as dipstick showed clear, lab results showed ecoli, if it wasn't for my knowledge she wouldn't be here !!! 

- this pregnancy, water infection times 2 plus on going stressful law suit against NHS who refused a simple independent review, 

First water infection, attended a mucky treatment room, used gloves on & on side, bloody speculum in a clear box on show, with light fittings not suitable for a treatment room, would you really want to stay in this room, four hours to confirm water infection, given antibiotics, when ringing to find out results, it was like no one cared, still have not got a clue what infection it was, second water infection, took five days to warn me infection in uti 

Photos to add later, so don't scroll down if you don't like the sight of blood! Which isn't mine... 

Went to booking in appointment, was told I couldn't see my chosen obstetrician who manage to get me through a healthy pregnancy referred to a other consultant.

When we met him, he was a complete and utter arrogant sod, stating progesterone shots don't prevent premature births, totally extreme in his thoughts, didn't record in my notes properly and said I was complicated and referred me back to my chosen consultant. He didn't  bother reading my notes and he tried to get out of me what happened in my first pregnancy which led to my loss, I told him, I didn't want to go through it, but he kept pushing by asking me questions, question is, what's the point of medical notes if so called medical professionals can't be bothered to read them.....not that they bother writing in these notes correctly 

So did we waste raising funds for preventing premature births? / Pprom  Especially if different consultants believe in completely different things, or happen to read the research papers that didn't
show how many mums who have had progesterone shots, and successful avoided premature births....

Oh and according to him, I didn't PPROM, even though my medical notes shout it, but then the reality is my first pregnancy treatment was a joke, a bit like this shirt lived pregnancy

So if you wondering why I don't have faith in many medical professionals, the above, briefly gives you a insight into the complicated mums pregnancy history as the consultant referred me as COMPLICATED.....

Never judge what someone else is dealing with by just looking at them!

"Never judge what someone else is dealing with by 

just looking at them"

Trust us carrying a unborn baby around with NO heartbeat means sleepless nights :( 

5.5 days since we were told baby has no heartbeat.

(1st scan there was a heartbeat, 2 weeks later, no heartbeat! )

I could of killed this women yesterday at the swimming baths yesterday who told me, if I can't sleep think of the homeless person, well I been homeless, but that doesn't mean I'm not dealing with heartache.

I so wanted to scream at her! by the way love I'm carrying my unborn baby who has sadly past away, but for the sake of my gorgeous rainbow daughter and other kids, I had to bite my tongue....

How is a mum suppose to sleep knowing that any day now it's going to start happening? and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make it stop!

Nothing at all I can do to make it better...

So at moment feeling very numb still....

I just feel NUMB! and powerless

Once it's done going to do a sponsor diet, and start running, so if you are a running friend, I so could do with your support

At moment waiting to have this miscarriage first....

Pretty crappy

If you wanting to help us at all,we got 30k to raise, and much more to invest in helping our Pprom mums, a team of us are doing our uppermost to raise funds and awareness can you at least donate £1, as we see that no one at all has donated for a while so please help us make a difference - 

donate here ->>>

https://www.justgiving.com/teams/Ppromresearch

follow thunderclap, here ---->>>> 

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/30730-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy

Also petition is pretty blooming slow, want to do us a massive favour and help us gain signatures it blooming help us, 

sign here ---->>>

 https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-treat-pprom-as-it-states-as-emergency-lets-save-babies-lives

Thanks

Sorry we can't detect your babies heartbeat

Heartbroken is how I feel right now, as today 1st September 2015, I found out our third baby we were expecting, that babies heartbeat had stopped

I got to decide to have either a d & c, or take a tablet or let it come away by it's self, as it's so surreal. And us just need for my own mind to have a further scan, just to confirm to me, that there really isn't a heartbeat.

The hospital has confirmed the baby heartbeat has stopped, and it is a miscarriage

So I'm walking around with a baby in me, whose not alive :( and the scan is next Tuesday

To confirm to me that the heart really isn't beating :(

I was stupid enough to tell my little one too, I am so stupid for believing it would be all ok.

So if anyone wants to raise awareness on baby loss / miscarriage and show everyone how one scan can turn your life up side down again. Then feel free to share this blog.

So all those, who can have babies with no worries at all, give your little ones a big massive hug as having to deal with this, is rubbish!!!!

I therefore may need to take a couple of days of here, as I still got to deal with a NHS legal case, who after so many years only decided to have a mediation with me, that I been asking all these years, after they turned down my part 36 offer, and I still have blooming work issues, as well as make a decision on which method to deal with, to deal with my loss. So I totally don't think this has helped m at all, not to meantion my doctor delayed my antibiotics again this time, when it was confirmed I had a uti infection...but of course it's not a baby to them....

So all I ask all my friends in my absent , is please share our fundraising pages, petitions, videos as it would mean one hell a lot to me, I was all ready to telling the world I was pregnant, but sadly for the second time part of me has been taken. #Babyloss sucks #miscarriage sucks

Links are here, for anyone that cares!!! 

Sign it please ? #Petition
https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-treat-pprom-as-it-states-as-emergency-saving-babies-lives

#Justgiving

https://www.justgiving.com/teams/Ppromresearch


Pprom teams thunderclap
Please follow this here ---->>> there are mums right now who no idea if their babies will survive or not and so need your help, there is no hope for my baby, but there is for others, so please follow and sign our petition, thank you 

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/30730-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy

It be nice to come back and seeing more people are helping me raise awareness on Pprom in my absent and help raise funds, as I don't want people walking in my shoes....

If you see me out and about please don't ask me if I am okay

Because I am not okay !!!