Remembrance day I remember the fallen on this day 11th November I was informed sorry we cannot detect a heartbeat

"All I want is a healthy baby"

 How hard is it?

"Pregnancy no 4"

One year on from my baby loss in September 2015,

So the exciting news was on the 25th September 2016 found out I was expecting again, it took us a whole year to have this news and we were more than excited.

I tried to keep it secret, which I failed to do, although this time I did not tell my little girl, who is now 5 years old and desperate to be a big sister.

When we go to supermarkets, and she picks up dummy's mummy can we buy this for my baby sister for when she arrives, mummy when I become a big sister can I feed my baby sister, when we say our prayers, my little girl says please can I have a baby sister or brother,

Well thank God, I never told her my exciting news....

It has been the best decision so far, the other day I was daydreaming of booking a private scan and bringing her with me, yes that is right, for the first time I was believing I could jut bring this baby home....

Boy I was right not to tell her, as on the 11th November 2016  I went to the GP, as notice some large lumps on my leg, the pharmacist had informed me it was from bites, but it was now 3 weeks on, and still not going away.

So I manage to get to see my GP, who informed it was Erythema Nodosum

and that the cause can be from pregnancy and streptococcal infection, and inflammatory bowel disease, which in 2011 they found small ulcers but I was borderline for Crohn's disease from my understanding, a week before I was on a course of antibiotics for group b strep, naturally I was concerned for my unborn baby.

My GP said don't worry it can't cause miscarriage, not sure why, but I burst into tears and apologised and said I can't get over my first born loss, and so scared of losing this baby.

I asked if I could have further testing, which she agreed and agreed to speak to the antenatal ward so I travelled down to Macclesfield.

Earlier on in my pregnancy, I had turned down an early scan, as I wanted to have this as a 'NORMAL' pregnancy as I could, and the fact that last time in September 2015, the scan showed everything was okay, but then weeks later baby Speakman had died two weeks prior. I honestly could not put myself through that again.

I had convinced myself because I worked out the baby was due near my late brother birthday it was a sign from above that this time it was going to be okay.

Big Mistake...

While waiting I spoke with the supervisor of midwives, who is so lovely and asked if I could have that scan even though I had a scan this week on 16th November 2016.

I was a nervous wreck, as it was the same scan room that broke the news last year.

As I lay there, the sonographer put gel on me, and told me to relax,

I could see from her face something was not quite right, and again she asked me to go and empty my bladder so that she could do an internal scan, so I did, you could almost feel the atmosphere when I walked back in the room, then the second sonographer came over to look at the screen, I had my fingers cross, saying to myself please let there be a heartbeat

Sadly...

It was now out of my hands, and Now history has repeated itself, and instead of that normal pregnancy, its sorry we cannot find a heartbeat, it looks like your baby died two weeks ago.

How can you have the same thing happen again!

Now I can hear all those voices, you too old, too fat, from some of these medical experts, but I do not believe this,  I suspect my bowl and strep to be the cause, but we never know as my baby will not be sent for testing why, I now have to wait 10 days as protocol happens to say if your measurements are minus 5, and no heartbeat for a new scan in 10 days, which I know is very unlikely.

How can you have hope, if you no heartbeat......

I now have 7 more sleeps, which if I am honest not really slept, I am trying to keep myself busy, but it is hard to stop the tears....

Knowing that on the 21st November my worse fears are repeating itself before I was worried about getting to 24 weeks, now I cannot even get past 10weeks, I should be announcing my great news this week, I should be 12 weeks pregnant this week.

Instead here I am announcing, that fate has a curse on me, and now facing with the three options of how to tell my body that I am no longer pregnant, which is hard to do, when deep down you believe in miracles, and it is so nice for that miracle to happen to me...

I so praying that next year we get to be blessed with our Rainbow sibling for my daughter....

I no idea if in the future I ever lucky enough to get those two blue lines....

For now, I have to deal with waiting to find out my fate this coming Monday, but I when the sonographer has already told you that baby stopped growing two weeks ago, it kind of dashes the hope away.

Protocol states if the baby is under 5mm, to call back pregnant mum 10 days later just in case any dates are wrong...

So if you see me, and I burst into tears, let it be known it's not you, it's me, and this is a heck of a lot to deal with, my baby you never met, I never met because my body failed to carry it, failed to protect it.

So next year, when we remember the fallen, I won't be just thinking of that died before us in all of the wars, but of the child that I desperately desired for, the child to be the sibling to my daughter just that fate decided on this cruel outcome.

While this is my sad news, I have had to take a few days out from supporting others, although I am still sending out packs out, because our pregnant mums with babies who have heartbeats, deserve to have hope,

It helps me have a purpose in my life, and because my personal news has hit me like a tonne of bricks and I am thankful to the amazing team looking after our mums and their families while I deal with this.

Because we will not give up on our mothers whose babies still have a heartbeat, and are desperately trying to deal with a tough pregnancy, but there is no truer statement, where there are heartbeats, there is hope.....

Like trying for our second child, we been desperately working our hardest to help save lives of many babies, and even though I never like to go through pprom again, I do know when we have heartbeats we have miracles.....

Which is why I cannot express how vital it is that if you know me, care for me, then show it by asking your friends to vote Little Heartbeats in the community fund Aviva, its free, and it's not as hard as having to lose yet an other baby!!!

Link to vote here, we got to 18th November to get in the lead, we about 1500 votes behind, so if all on my Facebook page all get campaigning and asking every single friend, family member, workmate to vote, while I am a while you can help us win this

Vote link is here

https://community-fund.aviva.co.uk/voting/project/view/16-3828

People wonder why I carry on fundraising for pprom awareness and research, because I don't
accept it happens for a reason, I don't accept its God calling, we have to invest in baby loss, we have to invest in PPROM awareness because regardless of outcomes, it is vital we find ways of knowing why people like me are the 1 in 4.

No one should have to bury their children and a baby is every inch of us, and we need to stop the baby loss taboo.

To date we have now sent over 150 PPROM Information packs, we still raising funds for both Little Heartbeats and the UCLH research project,

I am sharing my heartache with you, so we can prevent others having to deal with heartache

To give, you can do here

Little Heartbeats 
https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness

UCLH stem cell patch
https://www.justgiving.com/resealppromUK/

Praying one day I can bring home a healthy baby so my special daughter Siobhan gets to have a sibling of her wishes, just wish staying pregnant was easier than how others make it.

One day I hope that I have a photo of our two children I so hope dreams come true. 

I also hope this time next year we have our charity number and we have our very own office.

our website: http://www.little-heartbeats.org.uk/

our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/PpromAwarenessUK/

One day it will happen....

I will keep my promise to both my girls.....

While writing this update, my tears have flowed 

Thank you for reading.

Thank you to all who have supported me, and continue to, you don't know how special you are. 

"So Sorry"

How many have heard of those words while going for your ultrasound? 

How many can relate?

11th November my World shattered.....