Recovery on Black Friday

Black Friday 

Day 2 after losing my third baby, this time to a silent miscarriage.  

While thousands will be searching for that Black Friday special deal today on an item.

 I am at home recovering from my 3rd baby loss, after discovering I was having yet another silent miscarriage, where for weeks on end I was excited we were going to have our 2nd baby and feeling positive this time it was going to be okay but to go along to the scan to discover my baby simply was not growing and never had a heartbeat, has totally shattered me for a third time. 

It really does hurt deeply. 

Now knowing that I have been carrying a baby around for weeks that was never going to make it will always haunt me. 

In regards to recovery this time round, I feel a lot weaker and after having to go to the pharmacist to gain help to seek a doctor's appointment because the two receptionist decided medically and mentally that I did not deserve to have a telephone appointment after undergoing surgery to remove my very much baby. 

The reason I chose surgery is because I still have flashbacks to my stillbirth baby girl Sinead who was born at a later gestation and was very much my precious first born baby. 

Knowing that natural birth to miscarry is not an option, I have to take risks to have this surgery, which after gaining a second opinion to reassure me that my baby had indeed died, and having a scan on the same day as surgery to confirm this because mentally you need to be sure. This is by far the hardest thing women will ever have to endure, knowing you going for that scan, and in the bottom of your heart you seek that miracle but you know that you going to see your baby without a heartbeat is really hard 

 So yesterday I was very sore and tender and suffering from the shivers and having no bowls movement was the last shaw, and so very upset that I had to go to the pharmacist to gain medically care, the receptionist informed me I had to ring the ward I had been discharged from and even went on to say that they could arrange transport to send me back to the hospital which is 45mins away, but when I rang the ward, they sent me back to the GP! I am still angry that my local area has no support for women like me and I am sure that if I been Duchess Kate that simply I would have been seen. 

Therefore my hero of yesterday is my local chemist who helped me gain a doctors appointment that I really needed for not only my physically state but my mental state as the night before could not sleep for the fear of worry that my body was not recovering to great, and the hardest part is that my body is still feeling very much pregnant yet I no longer have that baby inside me. 

After seeing the doctor I received the medication I needed to help my recovery physically, as for mentally there is still no referral for EDMR therapy and this is all down to funding, I like to know if the same would apply to the Duchess of Cambridge Kate 

I not sure why we have to fight to be looked after when losing a baby, which is why I wanted to find out the tests available before I was discharged as simply you are wiped off the system having to pick up the pieces.

Having battled to seek change from my first loss, I know it be pointless to complain because no one wants to admit fault, no one sees the importance of improving care or looking after women like me who loses their baby, even the local midwives could not help.

 It is like sorry you no longer have a baby, if you get any worse go to out of hours, now us women know our own bodies, if I say something is not right, it's simply not right, so why should I have to struggle, why should I have to travel 45 mins after recovering from a general anaesthetic? In which I was throwing up in the middle of the night, I really do not feel that I had to disclose personal details to both the receptionsist's who quite frankly were not listening to help but listening to reply to say we do not want to help and pass the buck onto someone else to deal with me. 
(If I can help many families so can you, it really does not take much to help someone in need of help, its far easier to say no, than do something about it) 

 But really what happened to emergency care on our doorstep, and we talk about saving costs in sending patients back to the ward they came from, which was pointless because they sent me back to my GP, who then told me to go to A & E, yet that was the only thing on offer, seriously this is not financially good and what about the best care for me, is it really acceptable to have no support during this time, physically or mentally? 

It really is no baby, no support, deal with it!!!

Back to me, I am praying that in the next few days the painkillers kick in, and the tenderness settles down the cold and hot shivers calm down, I am so glad I ask the chemist to help me see the doctor even though I had to break down in tears to seek this. 

Please while I recover help us keep Little Heartbeats going, like the posts on our page here,  https://www.facebook.com/PpromAwarenessUK

and share your stories of PPROM in pregnancy, because right now, another mum has PPROM, and unlike me, these pregnant mothers unborn baby have heartbeats, and where we have heartbeats we have hope. 
Every baby should be given the chance to live, 

and while they do have heartbeats we will do our best to support them through their pregnancy and regardless of what happens we know the support afterwards is vital....

Please in memory of my babies that are too beautiful for earth please donate to either 

Little Heartbeats supporting pregnant mothers through pprom and to invest in our PPROM information packs or to the stem cell patch project.

So far after telling people I am going through this, only one person has donated to Little Heartbeats which I am truly thankful for,  and I am appealing for all my friends and family to spare me one thought, and think how long I have been trying to make a difference and spare a few quid, it is so very heartbreaking I struggle so much with this, both with having another baby and fundraising, and every day I see families desperate to keep their very much wanted babies, and I for one think they are worth saving.

You can't save my babies, my baby heartbeat stopped beating and yet again I have to bury yet another baby....

but you can help save the life of someone else's baby....

Because to go through baby loss is simply heartbreaking and rubbish and someone has to do something about it. I like to be one of them to do something about it, can you help me succeed?

****************************************

Therefore here are giving links to make donations, 

1. To donate for Little heartbeats 

donate here ---> https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness

or via paypal little.heartbeats@mail.com 

2. Donate to the stem cell patch here, 

donate here ---> https://www.justgiving.com/resealppromUK/

For the stem cell patch to look at invention for PPROM, which we desperately would love this to happen, I cannot wait for the scientists, doctors to come up with this stem cell to be able to reseal the membranes, this would make the fight for answers for Sinead worth every bit of hard work, therefore I plea for my daughter Sinead, my first born baby who was too beautiful for earth, for you to donate, for all of Sinead's angel friends who died because we could not find a cure, this is the closet invention we can find and unless we invest in this PPROM research, well more and more women like me will lose their babies,  which should NOT be happening when we have a solution which can be possible if we invest in this!!!

more information on the stem cell patch is here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2039201/Premature-birth-Stem-cell-patch-save-thousands-pregnancies-repairing-foetal-membrane.html

This is me here in this video below, I am very scared of heights but I jumped because I totally believe in research,  and PPROM support and our PPROM pack and I totally do NOT think it's just one of these things!! 

The only time when there is no reason is because we have not taken the time to invest in research, and we missed the right time to investigate.

One day in the future baby loss will be taken more seriously like cancer research is, because both of these are serious medical conditions which are life threatening and why should we dismiss baby loss just because some think it is easy to have another child, if it was that easy, why have I lost 3 babies? 

I may never have a sibling for my daughter which breaks my heart, but I will try once more, and I will keep raising PPROM awareness and I will gain our charity status for Little Heartbeats 

Charity number xxxxxxx will be here one day very soon!!! 

Also lets also hope that the doctors will also finally give me EDMR therapy to help me to live with the loss of Sinead too, and that in the future it does not take 6 years to confirm that I had PPROM, and in future women will be screened and treated for PTSD as matter of course.

 One day I pray that the hospital will do what they promised and share my story of PPROM and that they have our posters up as some other hospitals in the World have it, it is about time that us women were listened to, and taken more seriously, aftercare is vital, why should I have to struggle with this, I work so hard to change things. 

I truely hope in the end my hard work pays off.

My pprom loss video story is here, one day I will share my story in full

#BlackFriday #babyloss #Breakthetaboo #InvestInBabyloss #NeverForget #Heartbroken #PromiseWeWillgainchange 

Petitions for anyone who cares to sign are here as follows:- 

1. Miscarriage petition, to gain changes in care, and offer better support, please sign our petition here, 

https://www.change.org/p/health-what-do-you-class-as-a-miscarriage

2. PPROM petition, many changes are needed to the care of pregnant mothers who PPROM, many inconsistent care is given, and many are given the wrong information, which is why we are campaigning for change here,  https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-treat-pprom-as-it-states-as-emergency-lets-save-babies-lives 

Goodbye poem to my angel - my fourth precious baby - my third baby-loss :(

In my dream's I met you

In my heart ❤ I wanted you so badly

Today I had to let go because your heartbeat did not beat
My heartbeat cried for you 

Even though I never got to meet you, I loved you from the moment
I knew you were inside my womb.

I will never hold you, only in my heart.

Fly high with your angel siblings in the sky.

Mummy will be forever heartbroken the day we never heard your Heartbeat

Mummy is so VERY sorry I could not carry you.
My body simply let me down.
I will miss holding you in my womb
I will miss you kicking me.
I will miss never meeting you.
I will miss you growing up.
Sadly God took a piece of my heart the day you went to heaven.

Sweet dreams Angel Speakman

After my treatment today I spoke with the doctor who looked after me all who that knows me, I always talk about PPROM in pregnancy even in my darkest hour.

One thing that came out of this is that the AmniSure test is not available in my hospital and I suspect many other hospitals are similar and I would like to be able to donate some tests to my hospital I attended today and to ensure every hospital has these tests, which is from my knowledge and understanding is one of the most accurate tests for confirming PPROM.

My baby loss today was not down to PPROM, but I lost my first born Sinead to PPROM.

So in memory of Sinead, and

In memory of our baby we lost today, (my third baby loss) 

It would mean the World to me for anyone who is able to donate to either;-

1. Little Heartbeats raising PPROM awareness and supporting pregnant mothers through this pregnancy condition and supporting dads and families through this life changing condition,

here is our donation link, https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness

Our website, http://www.little-heartbeats.org.uk/

2. For research into the stem cell patch project, here is our donation link, https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/resealppromUK

Also while I am taking time out for a few days to recover physically from this great loss, please like, share, and post your stories of PPROM in pregnancy, anyone who we sent a PPROM information pack if you can kindly share your photos and let the general public know how important this information pack was to you. If you can email me at little.heartbeats@mail.com

My PPROM video story & our amazing mother Rachel who took the courage to talk on video of her loss of Zachary, 

Our PPROM video is shown here and I hope it explains why even through this heartache why it means so much to raise PPROM awareness.

It makes my losses go without vain, knowing we can help one family through going PPROM to knowing that it is possible to bring home a baby.

Regardless of our PPROM mums and dads outcome, we want to let them know they are not ALONE.

Davina for being brave for coming forward for sharing her story of PPROM of her miracle baby Faris, although to some little Faris is a miracle but really it is not a miracle it was simply being knowledgeable about PPROM guidelines, and knowing all you can about risks and knowing the right time for baby to be born, and also for doctors and midwives who start to listen finally, and for the amazing neonatal doctors and nurses who out of the whole medical World have a better understanding of PPROM, this is our feedback taken from our pregnant mothers and fathers, and finally it was empowering Davinia to be the voice for her baby. 

Both of the videos above proves why our work is so vital and we want more mothers, fathers and grandparents to come forward to do a video diary of PPROM

I will always be so grateful for Davinia & Rachel and all who submit their story of PPROM.

I would also like to say heartfelt thanks to everyone looking after Little Heartbeats and who have helped out with my special little girl Siobhan while I deal with this heartache of losing my third baby, you all know who you are, from the bottom of my heart

Thank You So Much

(feel free to share and comment on my blog, feel free to share your story too) 

You may not have met my baby, but unless we do something about this nothing will change. 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not....

- The Lorax -

😢

d

Sorry

Sorry I have not been around, sadly on the 11th November 2016 I had heartbreaking news that my 4th pregnancy was not going to plan, I should be 12 weeks today, and my baby has no heartbeat and is measuring 6 weeks.

It has kind of hit me harder than I like to admit, as this is now my third pregnancy loss and 2nd one in a row, I really thought I would have been given a nice break and I be able to get over 12weeks.

Sadly it is simply not happening. 💔

I like to say a Big thank you to all who sent these beautiful flowers to me, they are so beautiful after a heartbreaking news and lots of tears it was so nice to come home too. 😃

For all mums going through PPROM, please remember while 

We have Heartbeats, there is hope

Our Little Heartbeats team are here to support you every part of the way, I had to take some time out to find out about testing and be sure this pregnancy was ending.

Sadly this third scan is showing the baby disappearing which is similar to my missed miscarriage back in September 2015, although my body is still telling me I am pregnant

Tomorrow I be going into hospital, and after Thursday I be free to send more PPROM packs out to any new members dealing with a PPROM pregnancy, we do have our team members in USA and Australia sending packs out, so please contact our open LHB page by private message and confirm when you pprom, and how much fluids you have if this is know.

Also if you have a story of hope, either a pprom success story or a rainbow pregnancy please can you share these with both our closed group and our open page or if you like to share your story with the press please contact us.

If you feel we have helped you and like to write our LHB team a reference please do email our team at little.heartbeats@mail.com

I really would love feedback to all who have received one of our packs, and love to know if any one be willing to to share photos of their heartbeat animals.

Thank you to all members who keep this LHB group going.

For every pprom family dealing with either

1. pprom in pregnancy,
2. neonatal
3. baby loss
4. or new pregnancy after their pprom pregnancy

Do know that our LHB team are here for you and you do not need to deal with this alone. It is a tough journey regardless of our outcomes.

You are not alone, so don't be.

please give me a week to recover from this loss, although I will still send out packs, I just need some time to heal a little.

Because I so wanted this baby. 😢

Note, if any one can like, share Little heartbeats latest posts on our open page it really does mean a lot to me and our team and helps raises PPROM awareness it really can save babies lives and helps families regardless of their outcomes

thank you for your support.

Xxx

Also if any one can donate towards LHB here,https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness
or donate for stem cell patch here,https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/resealppromUK
or sign our petition here,
https://www.change.org/p/jeremy-hunt-treat-pprom-as-it-stat…

It would mean a lot, and feel free to share these links and our share our LHB page here Little Heartbeats - Making Pprom Awareness

Thank you to all who are supporting me through this heartbreaking time and looking after our LHB PPROM families

I also like to thank all my friends and my sister for helping me look after Siobhan so she does not know mummy is going through this heartbreaking time (I told Siobhan I have a sore tummy)

Tests & Medical notes

Today 

21st November 2016 

The last 10 days I have researched what tests could be available to me, this is now my 3rd loss, and I never know something so simple be made so difficult.

Having to have to put across my point today has emotionally top me off for the day, the failing to allow me to read my own medical notes really also got to me, seriously these are my medical notes, what is so top secret in my notes, who makes these rules up? Are we living in the dark ages, it certainly sounds to me that we are living in the 18th century! I can read, I am educated and if I see something I do not understand I will ask, but let me digest what is happening to me....

Seriously my medical notes are there where you left them, they are all about me, it took me 3 times to ask for copies of my scan from last year where I lost my 2nd baby if you had just let me just look in my notes I would have saved you the time....

Is it because are you ashamed of what you have written about me?

or

Did you note that  I was in flood tears, did you say I sounded confused? of course, I am, I have just lost yet another baby....

What are women to do when they just been told they are losing yet another baby, who desperately wanted this baby?

Having to deal with baby loss number 3, is taken a piece of my heart, and knowing that more tests could have been done the Year before is so very upsetting, maybe just maybe I should have taken the progesterone shots, but when you get in one line, they don't really prevent baby loss, then it is hard to take in.

Is it really too much to ask for to have tests on your baby that could not grow anymore, that you never going to meet.

I just want answers, so if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, to find something that will prevent it happening again....

Yet I told when I go in for surgery, yes I am having another scan just to make sure the baby has gone, but to then be told to remind the surgeon to send my baby off for testing is taking the biscuit.

Not allowing me to read my own medical notes is barbaric.

I am a woman, not a child, this has change surely?

Remembrance day I remember the fallen on this day 11th November I was informed sorry we cannot detect a heartbeat

"All I want is a healthy baby"

 How hard is it?

"Pregnancy no 4"

One year on from my baby loss in September 2015,

So the exciting news was on the 25th September 2016 found out I was expecting again, it took us a whole year to have this news and we were more than excited.

I tried to keep it secret, which I failed to do, although this time I did not tell my little girl, who is now 5 years old and desperate to be a big sister.

When we go to supermarkets, and she picks up dummy's mummy can we buy this for my baby sister for when she arrives, mummy when I become a big sister can I feed my baby sister, when we say our prayers, my little girl says please can I have a baby sister or brother,

Well thank God, I never told her my exciting news....

It has been the best decision so far, the other day I was daydreaming of booking a private scan and bringing her with me, yes that is right, for the first time I was believing I could jut bring this baby home....

Boy I was right not to tell her, as on the 11th November 2016  I went to the GP, as notice some large lumps on my leg, the pharmacist had informed me it was from bites, but it was now 3 weeks on, and still not going away.

So I manage to get to see my GP, who informed it was Erythema Nodosum

and that the cause can be from pregnancy and streptococcal infection, and inflammatory bowel disease, which in 2011 they found small ulcers but I was borderline for Crohn's disease from my understanding, a week before I was on a course of antibiotics for group b strep, naturally I was concerned for my unborn baby.

My GP said don't worry it can't cause miscarriage, not sure why, but I burst into tears and apologised and said I can't get over my first born loss, and so scared of losing this baby.

I asked if I could have further testing, which she agreed and agreed to speak to the antenatal ward so I travelled down to Macclesfield.

Earlier on in my pregnancy, I had turned down an early scan, as I wanted to have this as a 'NORMAL' pregnancy as I could, and the fact that last time in September 2015, the scan showed everything was okay, but then weeks later baby Speakman had died two weeks prior. I honestly could not put myself through that again.

I had convinced myself because I worked out the baby was due near my late brother birthday it was a sign from above that this time it was going to be okay.

Big Mistake...

While waiting I spoke with the supervisor of midwives, who is so lovely and asked if I could have that scan even though I had a scan this week on 16th November 2016.

I was a nervous wreck, as it was the same scan room that broke the news last year.

As I lay there, the sonographer put gel on me, and told me to relax,

I could see from her face something was not quite right, and again she asked me to go and empty my bladder so that she could do an internal scan, so I did, you could almost feel the atmosphere when I walked back in the room, then the second sonographer came over to look at the screen, I had my fingers cross, saying to myself please let there be a heartbeat

Sadly...

It was now out of my hands, and Now history has repeated itself, and instead of that normal pregnancy, its sorry we cannot find a heartbeat, it looks like your baby died two weeks ago.

How can you have the same thing happen again!

Now I can hear all those voices, you too old, too fat, from some of these medical experts, but I do not believe this,  I suspect my bowl and strep to be the cause, but we never know as my baby will not be sent for testing why, I now have to wait 10 days as protocol happens to say if your measurements are minus 5, and no heartbeat for a new scan in 10 days, which I know is very unlikely.

How can you have hope, if you no heartbeat......

I now have 7 more sleeps, which if I am honest not really slept, I am trying to keep myself busy, but it is hard to stop the tears....

Knowing that on the 21st November my worse fears are repeating itself before I was worried about getting to 24 weeks, now I cannot even get past 10weeks, I should be announcing my great news this week, I should be 12 weeks pregnant this week.

Instead here I am announcing, that fate has a curse on me, and now facing with the three options of how to tell my body that I am no longer pregnant, which is hard to do, when deep down you believe in miracles, and it is so nice for that miracle to happen to me...

I so praying that next year we get to be blessed with our Rainbow sibling for my daughter....

I no idea if in the future I ever lucky enough to get those two blue lines....

For now, I have to deal with waiting to find out my fate this coming Monday, but I when the sonographer has already told you that baby stopped growing two weeks ago, it kind of dashes the hope away.

Protocol states if the baby is under 5mm, to call back pregnant mum 10 days later just in case any dates are wrong...

So if you see me, and I burst into tears, let it be known it's not you, it's me, and this is a heck of a lot to deal with, my baby you never met, I never met because my body failed to carry it, failed to protect it.

So next year, when we remember the fallen, I won't be just thinking of that died before us in all of the wars, but of the child that I desperately desired for, the child to be the sibling to my daughter just that fate decided on this cruel outcome.

While this is my sad news, I have had to take a few days out from supporting others, although I am still sending out packs out, because our pregnant mums with babies who have heartbeats, deserve to have hope,

It helps me have a purpose in my life, and because my personal news has hit me like a tonne of bricks and I am thankful to the amazing team looking after our mums and their families while I deal with this.

Because we will not give up on our mothers whose babies still have a heartbeat, and are desperately trying to deal with a tough pregnancy, but there is no truer statement, where there are heartbeats, there is hope.....

Like trying for our second child, we been desperately working our hardest to help save lives of many babies, and even though I never like to go through pprom again, I do know when we have heartbeats we have miracles.....

Which is why I cannot express how vital it is that if you know me, care for me, then show it by asking your friends to vote Little Heartbeats in the community fund Aviva, its free, and it's not as hard as having to lose yet an other baby!!!

Link to vote here, we got to 18th November to get in the lead, we about 1500 votes behind, so if all on my Facebook page all get campaigning and asking every single friend, family member, workmate to vote, while I am a while you can help us win this

Vote link is here

https://community-fund.aviva.co.uk/voting/project/view/16-3828

People wonder why I carry on fundraising for pprom awareness and research, because I don't
accept it happens for a reason, I don't accept its God calling, we have to invest in baby loss, we have to invest in PPROM awareness because regardless of outcomes, it is vital we find ways of knowing why people like me are the 1 in 4.

No one should have to bury their children and a baby is every inch of us, and we need to stop the baby loss taboo.

To date we have now sent over 150 PPROM Information packs, we still raising funds for both Little Heartbeats and the UCLH research project,

I am sharing my heartache with you, so we can prevent others having to deal with heartache

To give, you can do here

Little Heartbeats 
https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness

UCLH stem cell patch
https://www.justgiving.com/resealppromUK/

Praying one day I can bring home a healthy baby so my special daughter Siobhan gets to have a sibling of her wishes, just wish staying pregnant was easier than how others make it.

One day I hope that I have a photo of our two children I so hope dreams come true. 

I also hope this time next year we have our charity number and we have our very own office.

our website: http://www.little-heartbeats.org.uk/

our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/PpromAwarenessUK/

One day it will happen....

I will keep my promise to both my girls.....

While writing this update, my tears have flowed 

Thank you for reading.

Thank you to all who have supported me, and continue to, you don't know how special you are. 

"So Sorry"

How many have heard of those words while going for your ultrasound? 

How many can relate?

11th November my World shattered.....