Friday, 6 January 2017

It was going to be a boy....

6th Jan 2017 - Team blue 

You do not go into a pregnancy to lose your baby when you see those two blue lines you just want to be excited, and you just hope that you bring home a healthy baby...

As most who know me, I went for an update on why I lost my recent baby
Yet another silent miscarriage, it is your worst nightmare, that scan that shows no heartbeat, no viable baby heartbeat, you want the earth to swallow you up, you want someone to pinch you, but the realistic terms is, your baby is gone....your hope, your dreams of that perfect baby snatched before you
So my tests today came back showing that I should have been having a boy :( who should have been born near Declan's anniversary, in fact my due date was 3 days apart from the 6th June 1995, so I really thought I was not going to miscarry, obviously I have....
(Declan is my little brother who committed suicide many years ago)
The tests showed basically it was never going to ever turn into a healthy baby, what hits me the most, is that there is nothing in the future which can prevent this, it is entirely a 50/50 gamble if I will ever be able to bring home a baby sister or brother for our Siobhan, who prayers almost every night with me, this is her prayer which she says with me, 

Dear God, 
Please can I have a baby sister or brother
Amen.
I can't bring myself to tell my little one, that mummy may never have a sister or brother, what can you tell your 5 year old. The reason we do this prayer is because she has constantly asked me for a baby brother or sister for the last couple of years, and I really thought this time I was NOT going to miscarry :( who I am to dash her hope of being a big sister.

We are allowed hope right? 
I just wished people would invest in this area, the baby loss area! because there is not enough research going on in this field, people fail to donate towards research for baby loss yet, over 250,000 pregnant mums will lose a baby here in the UK alone, never mind in the World, and it is NOT just the mums,  who will suffer, 
  • therefore there is 500,000 affected by miscarriage if we include the dad's in which we should!
  • therefore there is 1000,00 affected by miscarriage if we include the grandparents...
date from the miscarroage association here,

Saying the following really is nice to know you care, but it really does not help, 
- You are 1 in 4 
- It is God's will
- It was not meant to be 
- It maybe fate telling you something 
- It is your age
- I understand I been there (although it makes me feel I am not alone its just so very hard) 
- there was something wrong with the baby so its prob best 

These words are not going to take away my pain, it does not give me back my hopes or my dreams, it does not give me back my baby. It does not fix my broken heart, I so know people are justing trying to be kind and it is so hard to say the right words...
so now yet a other part of me, my baby is now somewhere in Macclesfield cemetery in which I feel a great sense of guilt for not burying it with my other babies, but they make it so blinking hard to do this, you think it could be so simple to bury a very small baby, because I know if I could have a few ashes it would have helped me. But it is too late for this, 

All I can say is that to sum up how I am feeling, is heartbroken and empty and the only reason I am being strong is because I have a beautiful daughter, a partner so far has stood by me, and the PPROM community for listening to me, and some close friends 

 and I have ongoing counselling! although I would really benefit from EDMR therapy, apparently I not gone through enough trauma....costs too much for my hospital who failed my care with my first born baby Sinead, or GP to refer me, so life is a struggle, every day I have to get up and fight my flashbacks...
(as soon as you leave the hospital with your empty box of heartbreak, the hospital wipes their hands of you, and in today's World no one likes to admit fault, which is why more babies have passed after our Sinead, how can you fix something if you do not admit fault, you simply cannot) 




p.s. I hate the word miscarriage!!! 

please if you can sign our petitions and get everyone to like Little Heartbeats - Making Pprom Awareness because it is the only thing that keeps me alive apart from of course my beautiful daughter Siobhan and my partner....
Because I know the work I do for Little Heartbeats has helped our families bring home their babies, which is why I work so hard in trying to make a small difference. 
Thank you to all who support the work I do for LHB...

Please sign both of our petitions below 


Wedding nightmare after physically recovering from my miscarriage, 
So after you been through this nightmare, you want to look to the future, take your mind off things, so I thought, let's do something amazing, let's do something positive, and there I am, pushing myself to finally sort my wedding out, I had to keep putting it back because of health reasons including my losses....
because just before Christmas after physically recovering from my miscarriage found out the Wedding dress and veil I bought and paid in full, and fully trusted the lovely shop owner, informed she had it, but then in a moment sent me a email to tell me she has given it away apparently, which I did not consent to and I  did not need this hassle, I so did not deserve this 
Apparently, in the owner's eyes, it is okay for her to do this....!!! really do people not have morals? The one important dress, the one, taken in a heartbeat...not as heartbreaking as losing my babies, but you know when you need one thing for you and your family, that something positive to look forward...just taken away. 

Some people really do have no idea, how can you ruin someone's hopes and dreams, and someone's wedding before it has even begun to start!!! How do you manage to give away someone else wedding dress and veil? and apparently the owner could not find me, but after ending our call manage to block me of Facebook, and email me in a heartbeat, funny really how easy I am to find, after all, the fundraising I have done to try to make others not walk in my shoes, yet I find myself in this vulnerable place....

God why was my life made to be a challenge 

Nothing like an old fool, in this moment in time I am feeling so upset and mad over the whole thing, 2017 is meant to be my year, so far it has not really gone to how I wanted it to be, I wanted it to be positive, I wanted for once things to go my way, why is this so hard? 

so if you reading this blog take the time to vote for my entry to win my wedding, I know I have no chance, but if you have read this, like my comment on this page https://www.facebook.com/andsotowed/?fref=ts

Also if you can, help me finally gain my charity status for Little Heartbeats, I live in hope if you cannot support me, support our families dealing with a pprom pregnancy, giving page is here https://www.gofundme.com/ppromawareness

Little Heartbeats website is here, http://www.little-heartbeats.org.uk/videos-pprom-awareness-in-pregnancy




If you believe in research to prevent baby loss, donate towards stem cell patch, which will in the future save hundreds of babies lives 
Donate towards research here, 

BUT if you do not donate, we can't invest in preventing pprom or ways to prevent babyloss!!

250,000 is far too many babies to lose in one of the most wealthy countries with one of the best health care system in the Worlds, why are we failing to change this? why I am told nothing can be done to change my outcomes? more needs to be done, and you can help!!! 



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